Because I’m Grouchy, Homesick, and Hungry

by melissakiefer

Please understand my southern Illinois and Indiana homes are so far down there that it’s practically Kentucky. Few people know this, but the Mason-Dixon line actually spikes up and includes all of my people back home. Or at least it should. So northern IL qualifies as a different planet.

Here…there is no Barnes and Noble. Books-a-Million (BAM!), you are a disgrace. You are not cozy. The books you actually do happen to have in stock are hard to find. What the heck kind of system do you use? Your categories make no sense. You lack atmosphere. And you suck. So, Wha-BAM! (insert rap/ghetto/gansta gesture), how do you like that?  
Here…..No TACO TIERRA. It’s a tragedy. I crave your sanchos and your nacho supreme with the chips on the side. I even crave your perfectly crushy-slushy ice and want, right now, to sip a jumbo-something with your coffee-stirrer straws.
Here….No Coffee Cottage. I miss your cornbread salad. I miss your window seat. And your kind welcome. And your cool, mis-matched mugs. And the way you let me stay as long as I wanted. Every day.  
Northern people, you sound snooty when you speak. When you don’t smile, I think something is wrong or you hate me. Please smile more.  Why are you very forward in some ways and so reserved in others? As a whole group, I just can’t figure you out. Most of you make me nervous.  
And more on FOOD: Yes, we know southerners have junk in the trunk. Why? Because food is something we savor. Food…is an experience. Therefore, we make it taste good by using real butter and whole milk and recipes from grandma. Paula Dean is our bff. And we like pie. A lot. And pouring gravy on everything. Fryingthe chicken. Including sausage and bacon in our breakfasts. And eggs. And pancakes. And biscuits.  Maybe that’s why we are happier. And friendlier. Perhaps we are plumper. But pleasantly so. Ohhh, and put the sugar IN your iced tea, not in tiny packets on the table. For the love of sweet baby Jesus, WHAT do you have against sweet tea?